We are in Philadelphia and are getting a fetal MRI and ultrasound today at 8:30 to determine if we qualify for the fetal myelomeningocele surgery. If so, the surgery is happening Wednesday morning. Bobby and I both agree we still feel numb. There is so much ahead and we can’t really have expectations because there are so many variables that we have no control over. It’s been a little over a month since we found out about our baby girl’s diagnosis and we have been through the gamut of emotions. When we found out, we were numb and then progressed to devastated, anxious, afraid, bitter, scared, sad, overwhelmed, hopeful, and everything in between. Now we are back to numb. I think it’s because we don’t know what else to feel or think right now.
A dear friend sent me a sermon that was so encouraging. The pastor talked about how faithful faith trusts God’s character over His capabilities. If we really know and follow God, not only will we believe He is powerful and able but that He is God and is beyond us. As I have been processing faith this last month it has changed how I pray. There are things that I long for. I long for my daughter to be healed, for life to be easy, for Chale to stay healthy, for Bobby and I to have non stressful time together, for our future to be clear. I want a lot of things and some are selfish and some seem like they are selfless.
The pastor continued to explain that real faith knows that God can, asks that He would, but accepts that He may not. We know that God is capable, we believe and ask that He would grant us our longings, but we accept that He may not because ultimately He is God. It is so humbling for me to admit that though I have desires that I long for God to grant, I don’t know what is best for me, my family, or those around me. I may think I know best but in my heart of hearts I know I don’t. If I look back on my own life and all through Bible, God tends to do things that don’t seem to make sense or be for the best. But I can look at every bible story and time in my life and see how God is faithful. Though His ways are beyond me and often the opposite of what I want, He truly knows best and has always been working for our good.
The ultimate example of God not granting a request petitioned to Him is when Jesus asked in the garden for His life to be spared on the cross. How harsh and unthinkable it must have seemed to Jesus and everyone watching when God denied. If Jesus had not been denied we would have no hope. When my requests are denied what glorious work might God be doing instead? How thankful I am when I realize that God loves me so much that He will always be faithful to His perfect character. What peace and freedom that brings when we realize God will always do what He knows is best for us. We don’t have to understand everything because God does.
As we move forward into this daunting week, this is the prayer of my heart. That God would be God. I long for Him to be big, faithful, good, miraculous, gracious, wise, powerful, and redemptive. I know I can pray confidently that He will be all of these because that is who He is. He can’t be anything but Himself. I pray that He would reveal Himself to us and to others through this however He knows is best. I don’t have the energy or emotions to try to predict what I think should happen and it really doesn’t matter what I think. As much as we already love our daughter, she is the Lord’s. How relieving to know that I can fall at the Lord’s feet and plea for Him to be Himself and that’s all I need to ask. Praise God that He is big and pray with us that He would be seen, felt, experienced, and known every moment of these next few days.
“Nebuchadnezzar answered and said to them, “Is it true, O Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the golden image that I have set up? Now if you are ready when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, well and good. But if you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?” Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (Daniel 3:14-18 ESV)
A link to the sermon we listened to that was so encouraging…