Our not so normal life…

"I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."

A World of Hurting People

While we waited for over an hour on the psychiatric floor for one of Luelle’s appointments this past week, I saw a 7 year old boy with his mom. The boy was spunky and the mom looked tired. I smiled as they walked passed and they smiled back as Lu awkwardly waved at them. Twenty minutes later I saw the same sweet boy screaming and flailing near violently. His mom was calm and escorted him away from the waiting room towards the elevator. The staff at the desk asked if she was okay and she said she was. A bit later security was called because she wasn’t able to control her son. They restrained the boy and I think administered medication to help calm him down. The mom looked even more weary as she shuffled away with the boy. My heart ached for them.

There are a number of challenging things about having a child with a chronic medical condition; the long days spent at the hospital, the heartbreaking appointments full of bad news, the worries about how the normal things in life are going to get done in the midst of all the health stuff, the what ifs about the future, and the fears that even when things are going well something is just around the corner. Lu’s appointments are in Boston so we have to stay all day because it’s too far to drive back and forth in between. We spend a lot of time walking around the hospital waiting or trying to get Lu to nap. As we walk I see so many faces. I see parents afraid, exhausted, angry. I see children fearful, deformed, in pain. I see doctors heavy with patients and procedures on their mind. I see siblings antsy, bored, and feeling neglected. One of the hardest things about having a child with chronic medical needs is walking around a world of deeply suffering people. 

As I sat in almost two hours of traffic on the way home, I wanted to be angry and frustrated. Poor Lu only napped for 20 minutes the entire day and was so cranky. Chale was beside himself when I left him with the babysitter, I never had lunch, and I had banana smeared all over my clothes from letting Lu feed herself as I tried unsuccessfully to keep her from melting down through her last appointment. Instead I just cried. I kept seeing that sweet boy’s face, and hundreds of other faces that I had seen at the hospital that day and so many other days. 

I thought about some of my darkest days of pain, suffering, and fear. I have experienced moments that felt physically and emotionally unbearable, but I have always clung to hope. I believe God is all powerful, that He is ever present, that He sustains us through all things, and that He is all we need. Those promises haven’t fixed my circumstances or made life easy, but clinging to God who always keeps His promises is what has gotten me through my darkest moments. My heart breaks for those faces knowing many of them don’t have hope. They don’t know those promises that bring peace in the midst of pain.

Then I got angry. I thought about how people, myself included, harshly judge other’s actions without caring to dig deeper. Unfortunately, Christians can be the worst offenders. How dare we judge someone for lieing, divorce, stealing, abortion, sleeping around, suicide, even murder and not first want to know the condition of their heart. If someone has no hope why wouldn’t they do any number of things? My point is not that these actions are good or bad. My point is that our actions are an overflow of what is going on in our hearts. We can be so quick to judge others but do we realize the reason people do these things is usually because they are hopeless, afraid, alone, or hurt? I confess I have so wrongly judged others before and I also have been wrongly judged. How can we look at our lives and surmise that our problem is external when truly the problem lies in our heart. Many times in the Bible Jesus condemned those whose lives were outwardly clean but their hearts were far from Him. He called them white washed tombs. If we saw that mom and boy in the grocery store and the boy started having an episode, how would we respond? Would we assume he is spoiled and that she is doesn’t discipline or would we ask if she is okay or needs help?

Jesus came to bring hope into a dark, suffering, dying world. Jesus can impact our past, present, and future. Jesus can redeem even the most terrible things we have done and the horrible things done to us. Jesus can give us the strength to get through whatever we are facing. Jesus promises to usher us into His full presence after this life. There we will experience freedom, no pain, and perfect joy because we see and know Him completely.

Through my angry tears I asked the Lord what I should say to these hurting people? If one of them stops me as I walk by them in the hospital and desperately says they are hopeless and afraid, how would I answer them? The Lord brought this passage to mind.

“As he (Jesus) passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (‭John‬ ‭9‬:‭1-3 ESV).‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

I love that Jesus so quickly dismisses the notion that this man’s blindness was because of something he or his parents did wrong. Jesus’ explanation of the man’s blindness is not warm and fuzzy. He doesn’t say that the man’s blindness is going to bring riches or ease. Jesus says the reason for his blindness was so that the works of God might be displayed. If you stop and think about this, it’s incredible. This man was chosen by God to be blind so the glory of God would be seen through him. What an honor. God never wastes our pain. He hand picks us and tenderly, knowingly orchestrates our lives in such a way that His work may be displayed through us. It’s messy, scary, at times might feel unbearable, but ultimately if we believe in Him we can be confident that God will do more than we could ever imagine through our struggles. I don’t say this lightly. It takes a divine perspective to hold onto both struggle and hope.

Jesus was willing to suffer incalculably because He loves us unconditionally. He could not save us from the punishment of death we deserved, without giving His life in exchange for ours. The punishment needed to be fulfilled by someone otherwise there would be no justice. Our options are either to spend eternity in hell as we deserve or accept His death as our own and entrust our lives to Him.

 Jesus knows what it’s like to hold both suffering and joy. We can hope in Him because He has gone to the depths of suffering for us. Not only did He die in our place, He wants to give us His goodness. When we entrust our lives to Him, He gives us His joy, peace, wisdom, patience, endurance, and so much more.

As I remember and continue to see faces of hurting people, my prayer is that God would reveal His glory to their aching hearts. I pray that we would not judge eachother’s actions but would look into people’s eyes and be willing to get to know their hearts. I pray for that sweet boy and his mom that the depths of their suffering would overflow with the vastness of God’s glory. 

“He has chosen not to heal me, but to hold me. The more intense the pain, the closer His embrace.” ― Joni Eareckson Tada

“Jesus went without comfort so that you might have it. He postponed joy so that you might share in it. He willingly chose isolation so that you might never be alone in your hurt and sorrow. He had no real fellowship so that fellowship might be yours, this moment. This alone is enough cause for great gratitude!” ― Joni Eareckson Tada


Celebrate with Giving

Luelle is turning ONE on March 7th!


I can hardly believe our sweet girl is almost a year old. What a year it’s been. There is much to celebrate and we would like to do something special.

One of Bobby and my biggest prayers for Chale and Lu is for them to learn with us how to show gratitude for the gifts we’ve received by giving to others.

Instead of giving presents or money to Luelle for her 1st birthday, we would like to ask our family and friends to give to a special family we met this past year.

While I was admitted to the hospital three weeks before Luelle was born, I met Diane Stum and her two daughters, Jocelyn and Carolyn. Diane’s husband Zach tragically died on February 9, 2014. Days later, Diane found out her unborn daughter had spina bifida. She came to CHOP to get the same fetal surgery Luelle and I had. Diane and her sweet baby had fetal surgery on February 28th. Nine days later, Diane went into preterm labor that could not be stopped. Her precious daughter, Rachel, was born at 24 weeks. Diane got to hold her for two hours and then Rachel passed away on March 9th, exactly a month after losing Zach.

Diane shared this after Rachel died:

“The girls and I picked her name two weeks ago. The name Rachel was on a list I found in Zach’s handwriting of other names we liked when we picked Jocelyn’s name.

Then a friend shared this verse from Isaiah 40:11 with me.
“God tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. He gently leads those that have young.”

Rachel means “lamb” and it was special to Carolyn, Jocelyn, and me to think of God keeping Rachel, the little lamb, close to His heart. Now we know she couldn’t be any closer to His heart. The verse also promises that God will gently lead those that have young. This verse is precious to me and I will cling to that promise as I lead my two young girls down yet another very difficult road.”

Diane and her daughters have experienced loss that most of us can’t even fathom. Diane has incredible faith in the midst of deep pain. My heart aches for her. We are honored to bless her and her family in this small way.

God never wastes our pain. He saves our tears in a bottle and knows the deepest hurts in our hearts. No matter what we have been through or what we have done, God can bring healing and joy to our darkest moments. I think those who suffer the deepest will see God more fully as He fills the depths of their pain with His light.

I feel so honored to know the Stum family. Please pray with me for comfort when their hearts ache. Pray for hope when they feel overwhelmed. Pray that God would give them inexplicable joy that gives them strength to continue on this journey. God has already and will continue to do incredible things with this family.

Please help us celebrate Luelle by giving to our dear friend Diane.

You can give directly to Diane using the PayPal link below. You can also write checks out to us and send to our address and we will send one lump check to Diane. Let me know if you have any questions.

Our address is:
130 Essex st. #438A
South Hamilton, MA 01982

Please feel free to share this. I’d love to overwhelm the Stum family with gifts, prayers, and love.
Thank you!

Zach, Diane, Carolyn, and Jocelyn


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There’s Nothing Else To Do

Honestly, I hoped to be writing a positive post of encouragement, but that’s not where I’m at right now. I thought surely after over a year I would be in a more stable place. I feel more unstable in some ways than I did last year. I have experienced a lot of physical pain in my life from a variety of surgeries and health issues. I have never quite experienced the internal pain I am battling now.

I’m still not sleeping well because Lu wakes up often through the night and when she’s not awake, I battle, sometimes for hours, to turn my mind off. I’m in counseling. My tank is not only empty but cracked and leaking. I’m so depleted that even when there are good moments, they feel like drops in a bucket that can’t hold anything anymore. Because I feel so weary from big things, I have nothing left to deal with the normal life stresses of kids being sick, meal planning, and holiday chaos. I feel a combination of exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and discouragement.

It use to bother me how isolated I was, but now I mostly avoid people because I don’t know what to say. I almost want someone to give me a hard time that Chale is still in pajamas at 4pm or that Lu’s head is getting bigger and she’s barely making any sounds yet because I just want to get angry at someone. I’m struggling right now to understand and cling to the hope I believe in.

At Luelle’s appointment a few weeks ago, we were told by her neurosurgeon that her ventricles continue to swell and she will likely need brain surgery soon. We have tried twice to get the sedated MRI that she needs but have had to cancel both times because she keeps getting sick. We feel like the clock is ticking and it’s on us to get her healthy so we can move forward with the treatment she needs.

I was overwhelmed the other day about everything and asking the Lord what to do. He told me I just need to wait. I asked Him how on earth do I trust and find peace in the waiting. His response was “There’s nothing else to do.” I was strangely at peace as I realized God is in control and has directed the steps before us. All we really can do is trust Him as we wait.

Recently I read John 11, the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.

“So the sisters (Mary and Martha) sent to him (Jesus), saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was…

Then Jesus told them (the disciples) plainly, “Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him…
Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world…”

Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled… Jesus wept.

Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out…”
(‭John‬ ‭11‬:‭3-6, 14-15, 21-27, 32-33, 35-37, 39-44 ESV)

Lazarus died and Jesus could have intervened beforehand but intentionally did not. Mary and Martha were understandably upset and confused by Jesus. What strikes me in this passage is Jesus’ expression of emotion and His interactions with Mary and Martha. Both women individually approach Him and say the exact same thing, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” To Martha he speaks truth and encourages her to believe. Jesus saw Mary’s tears and anguish. He spoke no words but simply wept with her.

It’s incredibly important to believe that God is all powerful AND that He loves us unconditionally. If we simply believe He is all powerful but doesn’t love us perfectly, I picture Him far off with His arms crossed emotionless zapping power here and there as He chooses.

Jesus knew He was about to bring Lazarus back from the dead but He still weeps. His ways are perfect, always for our good, and in the end we will see His complete healing and redemption. I think He weeps because He knows the pain we feel in the meantime and His heart aches with us as we wait.

Jesus loves us so deeply and personally. He can handle our overwhelming doubts and our angry tears. Sometimes we go to Him and He gives words of encouragement, challenge, and reminders of His unchanging character. Sometimes we go to Him and His spirit is greatly troubled and He sits with us in our pain and tears. Jesus weeping with us doesn’t make the truth less powerful but more tangible.

I keep feeling like there must be a simple answer to all I’m struggling with. I try in vain to figure out what I’m missing and to force myself to be okay.

After reading through this passage all I could say through my tears was, “Weep with me, Lord.”

I can only imagine how confusing and frustrating it was when Lazarus was dying and Jesus said “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Jesus didn’t come right away and Lazarus did die. But that wasn’t the end.

I’m not musical at all but I really enjoy classical music. I remember learning in my random elective music class about dissonance. Dissonance in music is a “simultaneous combination of tones conventionally accepted as being in a state of unrest and needing completion.” It’s like a story unfinished or a meal that lacks salt. They are incomplete. Sometimes I need to remember that what we are experiencing now is unfinished. It’s like a song that in part doesn’t make sense but when finished will be beautiful.

Lord, weep with me as I wait and trust You in the dissonance, the unfinished work You promise to complete. I don’t understand but as Martha I want to respond with “Yes, Lord, I believe you are the Christ and I want to see your glory.”

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I…” (‭Psalm‬ ‭61‬:‭1-2‬ ESV)

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭18-19‬ ESV)

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;
It’s His to lead me there, not mine, but His—
“At any cost, dear Lord, by any road!”

So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Till the Lord has fulfilled my deepest prayer.

No matter if the way is sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost is often great,
He knows the way for me to reach the mark,
The road that leads to Him is sure and straight.

One thing is sure, I cannot tell Him no; One thing I do, I press towards my Lord; Giving God my glory here, as I go,
Knowing in heaven waits my Great Reward.
-Frederick Brook





But this I call to mind and have hope

Last October if someone would have told me what our year was going to be like, I wouldn’t have believed them. There have been so many tears, pains, doubts, and fears. But in the midst of it all, there have been moments of joy, inexplicable peace, abundant blessings, and miracles.

“Difficulty is actually the atmosphere surrounding a miracle, or a miracle in its initial stage. Yet if it is to be a great miracle, the surrounding condition will be not simply a difficultly but an utter impossibility. And it is the clinging hand of his child that makes a desperate situation a delight to God.”
-Streams in the desert

October 28, 2013 was the day we found out that Luelle had open Spina Bifida. I was more afraid and overwhelmed than I’ve ever been. I thought about all the things our daughter may never do and all the struggles before her. I thought about how our future looks drastically different than what I had pictured. I remember every moment of that day. I remember the long list of major complications the doctor listed, the big decisions we had ahead of us, and the countless unknowns. I remember feeling so afraid I couldn’t breathe.


October 28, 2013 was the day we found out our second child was a girl that God had already given us a name for. A few weeks prior I had a dream that Lu was a girl so I already knew. I have wanted to have a daughter my whole life. Now I remember the day my water broke and we got to meet our baby girl. I remember the first time she smiled. I remember the first time I saw her little legs kick and toes wiggle, something I didn’t know if I would ever see. I remember the first time I heard her laugh. Oh my goodness I love her laugh. She laughs so much. I remember the first time Bobby held her and stared in awe. I remember the first time Chale carefully kissed her and smiled so proudly. I remember how special it was the first time the four of us were back in our own apartment. We were finally home together.

Since that day in October almost a year ago, I have not slept through the night. Before Luelle was born I would lay awake for hours crying, fearful, anxious, or simply unable to turn my mind off. After the fetal surgery, the pain was excruciating for a few weeks and I slept little. I also had to take medication every six hours to prevent contractions so we had to set alarms during the night. The end of my pregnancy I was admitted to the hospital for three weeks so frequent monitoring and meds kept me up. Now, Luelle is almost eight months old and has yet to sleep through the night. Bobby and I are so tired.


Bobby and I have shared some of our sweetest moments in the middle of the night this past year. I’ve been awake crying and anxious and he would hold me and pray, talk, or cry with me. I have wept and pleaded with the Lord many times in the early hours of the morning. Many nights I would lay awake calmed by worship music or so often the constant, faithful prayers of family, friends, even strangers who were praying for us. Now, although I’m so tired when I wake up to feed Luelle, I look at her and can’t help but be amazed at the little miracle in my arms we’ve been entrusted with.


Last December 1st we packed up our apartment and drove to Philadelphia. We would either return December 2nd if we didn’t qualify for fetal surgery, or not for six months if we did. We did qualify and December 4th Luelle and I had surgery simultaneously. It was terrifying, extremely painful, and a major risk. The months following surgery were more difficult than I had imagined. Every shooting pain, I wondered if I was going into preterm labor. I was on bed rest for three months. It was so hard to be away from Chale for weeks. We lived out of bags for six months moving around to hotels, the Ronald McDonald house, the hospital, and family and friends houses.


As we headed to Philly last year, although we were leaving our community, church, and friends, we were overwhelmed by support. Friends and family from all over the world reached out to us. What a gift to experience the church and community as it’s meant to be. We were covered in prayers, were blessed abundantly with gifts, finances, meals, notes of encouragement, and so many conversations of love and truth. Chale had the time of his life with our families while he was away from us. He was so loved and cared for and has a special relationship with them that otherwise he would have missed out on. We spent such special, sweet time with my sister and her family who live in PA and our families that came up multiple times from VA and MD. During our time at CHOP, we met some incredible people. We had encouraging, meaningful conversations with the staff at the hospital and formed lifelong friendships with families we met in Philadelphia. Many were other families who have children with Spina Bifida. What a gift to meet others who are on such a similar journey. Some were families we met while staying at the Ronald McDonald house. We have been forever changed by their stories of incredible struggle, hope, endurance, and faith. We lived with a family from our church that we barely knew for about a month before we could move back into our apartment on campus. That family continues to be such a blessing to us and are now dear friends that feel like family.



If I’m honest, we’re still really struggling. As I write this, Lu has had over two weeks of diarrhea, was in the ER because she was having 15-20 diarrhea diapers per day, and now has a UTI that we are praying isn’t from bladder and kidney complications of her spina bifida. Her ventricles have slowly swelled since birth and in December she is getting a sedated brain and spine MRI to determine if she needs another major surgery. My back flared up this past week, the worst it has since my spinal fusion in 2011. We are so afraid of my back pain not resolving to the point where I can function and care for the kids.

Often I am angry and bitter about how challenging life has been. Bobby and I went through my first back surgery when we were engaged and we’ve had 6 other surgeries between the two of us since then. We are ready for a break. Often we feel isolated. Some of this is our fault because we have pulled away from a lot of people and activities because we’re exhausted and struggle to connect. I hate that now when I meet people instead of finding similarities in order to connect, I find excuses to pull away. I mentally categorize whether someone’s situation is harder than ours therefore I have no room to share, or easier which means they just wouldn’t understand me.

Another reason that I think I’ve isolated myself is that I didn’t expect to be on the receiving end of support for so long. If I’m completely transparent, it’s because of my pride. We have been given so much from so many people around us. I’m embarrassed at how many meals we’ve received, how many times we’ve needed babysitting, and how many times we’ve had to decline invitations because we were overwhelmed with life. It’s hard for me to accept that I can never reciprocate to the extent we’ve been poured out on. I think sometimes I avoid people because I don’t want them to know how much we are still struggling because I feel like I should be able to handle things by now.

Most days I try to avoid God. I know that’s ridiculous but it’s true. I’m angry with Him. I’m confused. I’m afraid.

I used to think if I “trusted” God, life would be easy and I would get what I wanted. I would never have said that out loud but that’s how I acted. Over the years, God gently has shown me that truly trusting Him means trusting not to avoid struggles but trusting in the midst of them.

Most genuine Christians acknowledge that we don’t believe in a health and wealth gospel meaning we don’t follow Christ to get money, ease, etc. We can be so harsh on churches that push this thinking that life should be peachy if you are a Christian. While this thinking is completely wrong and should be challenged, I confess I often believe a false gospel. I find myself pursuing an emotional health and wealth gospel. I may accept that life is hard and trials will come but I seek Jesus in order to get contentment, peace, joy, etc. not to get Jesus.

I do believe Jesus gives us these things but they are supposed to be a byproduct of walking with Him. Jesus is the prize. I don’t even fully understand it. I think part of it is accepting we will receive His gifts on His terms not ours, which is hard to swallow. Bobby and I were recently talking about contentment. Contentment isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. I hate that. I want to just feel content but choosing it means choosing it in the midst of hard circumstances. Without Jesus, we won’t be able to choose contentment.

Following Jesus isn’t a one time decision. It’s a daily, hourly choice.
Jesus walks with us and says…
“Will you follow Me today?”
“Will you follow Me even through this?”
“Will you follow Me even if this never happens?”

We have to choose each time to follow Him. So often the path looks bleak and feels impossible and hopeless. He isn’t asking us to understand the journey or even His hand in it. He is asking us to trust Him each step. To simply say yes when He asks us to follow Him.

I have so many questions. I struggle often with anger, fear, and hopelessness. But I do believe God is good. Sometimes I don’t understand it, probably most of the time. But I know He is good whether I understand it or not.

“…so I say, ‘My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.’
…But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”(‭Lamentations‬ ‭3‬:‭18, 21-25‬ ESV)




Love is a Gift

Marriage and relationships are hard. They carry potential for rich blessings and deep hurts. If love, surrender, and openness define our relationships, they will be sources of strength. Otherwise they will become burdens.

My heart has been heavy recently as I watch friends struggle in their marriages. Bobby and I have only been married 4 years, but we have packed in 7 surgeries, 2 babies, 4 moves, countless ER trips and hospital stays, and lots more chaos. We have experienced things that many couples won’t until many years into marriage or perhaps ever. We too struggle in our marriage but we have learned a few things, many the hard way, that I would like to share.

Bobby and I have much more to learn and many years ahead to grow as individuals and as a couple. We don’t have it all figured out. We fight a lot. We know how to push each other’s buttons and do so too often. We hurt each other unintentionally and at times intentionally. What I want to share is not some secret to a perfect marriage but something that has helped us learn to love, forgive, and trust in the midst of our faults and pain. My heart is to encourage, equip, and speak hope into others relationships.

Our first year of marriage was challenging, as it is for most. I felt this pressure to deal with and figure out all of our current and future issues (I’m not type A at all hah). Bobby is a great communicator and listener. We met almost weekly for a year with an incredible couple that mentored us. We acknowledged that we loved each other. Yet we still were so frustrated and defeated much of the time early on in our marriage.

For instance, Bobby would lovingly give me a card and flowers for our anniversary. Sweet, right? My inner turmoil would be as follows. “Well, that’s nice but I really want him to be creative and do something unique to show that he cares. If I tell him thank you and that I loved it he will never try to do something more than that.” I proceed to give him a weak, insincere thank you and he would obviously recognize something is wrong. I would either deny it and continue being conflicted and him confused, or I would tell him and he would be frustrated and defeated and I would feel terrible.

This sounds kind of ridiculous, and is in fact, but this type of communication continued to happen again and again. Eventually I felt I couldn’t be honest and that we would never understand each other. Bobby felt like no matter how hard he tried he would end up failing. These feelings and attitudes then affected bigger issues. For instance, when we led a bible study together that first year, I felt that instead of encouraging Bobby in the many areas he led well, I needed to criticize the few areas that I thought he could do differently. He often responded poorly out of frustration that I focused primarily on the negative and I would get hurt.

We continued through so much of that first year defending our own needs and blaming each other when they were not being met. This left us both frustrated, insecure, and at times distant. When my back and nerve pain became unbearable and I needed a second spine surgery, Bobby pulled away because the stress and his fears about the future were overwhelming. He recognized that if something didn’t change, he would continue pulling away. We both went to counseling for a period of time. Because of my insecurities I hadn’t acknowledged his strength as a husband and leader nor his patience and love in pursing me. Often I wasn’t willing to forgive sincerely when he did let me down because I felt that meant he would never change.

Our second anniversary we had a fun weekend away together and on the way back got into a terrible fight. I don’t remember what the fight was even about but what resulted was one of the most influential conversations of our marriage.

Bobby pointed out that we both had become so consumed with ensuring that our own needs were being met. Our focus was ourselves not each other. That day we committed to change. We decided that we were no longer going to focus on our own needs but each other’s. This may sound simple but it radically changed our marriage.

This was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. We both chose to lay aside our needs and make the other person’s our focus. Letting go of our needs meant they may not get met. We had to trust each other and be willing to forgive when we failed.

My focus was no longer on watching my back but his.
I stopped asking myself do I feel loved and started asking does he.

Our marriage slowly became so much more fun and freeing. We (mostly me) started to let go of my expectations. Instead of expecting Bobby to love me exactly how I thought he should, I just let him love me.

We have to revisit this again and again. For instance, when Bobby started seminary and had long days on campus, I began assuming he was not using his time wisely. I started to get bitter that I was stuck at home with the kids and he was doing whatever he wanted. Bobby began feeling deflated as he was trying his hardest to balance his intense workload and family life well and I was making him feel as if he were failing. After multiple fights, I realized that it is much more encouraging and motivating to tell Bobby I trust him with his time then to nag him and try to micromanage. Bobby didn’t need added pressure from me, he needed my support.

None of us are responsible for perfectly meeting each other’s needs. We will fail. God’s love alone is going to fulfill us and perfectly meet our needs. Because of this, Bobby and I don’t need to demand love from each other but can freely give it. We will continue to let each other down in big and small ways. We can deeply love, but we can’t perfectly love.

Marriage is about commitment not perfection. We have to accept that we will fail but are committed to forgiving and growing together.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Jesus’ heart for His people. He doesn’t want us to follow all the rules and learn how to perfectly live. He doesn’t want us to love Him with strings attached. Jesus doesn’t love to get, He loves in order to give.

My advice to myself and others is this.

Surrender to God and acknowledge that His love is perfect and all consuming. You can trust Him fully because He alone will fully love you no matter what.
Surrender to your spouse and choose to seek their needs and forsake your own. Trust that they will love you instead of trying to manipulate them into loving you.

Love God above all else. Anything or anyone you love more then Him will become a vice that rules you.
Love your spouse not to gain something for yourself. Love is a gift that should be given selflessly not demanded selfishly.

Be open.
Be open to God and your spouse about your fears and struggles.
Be open to those around you. Keeping our struggles hidden gives them power over us. We feel stuck and alone when we isolate ourselves. Marriage is a battle that if not fought for will be lost. We need to acknowledge within community that relationships are hard. Instead of hiding or putting up a facade, we need to be real. We need to pray, talk, and encourage each other instead of judging, gossiping, and making assumptions.

I have seen marriages fail that at one point seemed so strong and loving. I have seen marriages that were hanging on by a thread flourish and cold hearts softened when couples are willing to humble themselves before God and each other.

Bobby and I commit to not be that couple that pretends to have it all together. We want to be real with each other and those around us. We want to fight for our relationship and pray that you will join us.

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

-Stuart Townend

Photo credit: http://www.strawberrykissedphotography.com



Life has calmed for the moment since our adventures in Philadelphia getting fetal surgery and welcoming Luelle into our family. Our transition back into “normal” life has had it’s ups and downs. Physically, we are settled back into our home and enjoying our time as a family. Spiritually and emotionally some days we still feel overwhelmed.

The past few weeks have been challenging. Nothing terrible has happened but I feel like I’m failing as a mom, struggling as a wife, and missing the mark as a friend, daughter, and sister. No one is telling me that I’m failing but that’s what I’m believing about myself.

Everyday I compile evidence against myself. I seem to ruin Lu’s nap at least once a day because of an outing and when she’s screaming in the car I feel terrible. When both kids finally go to sleep and I should clean or read something meaningful, usually I just want to turn my mind off and play candy crush or watch netflix and I feel so guilty. Our bathroom is always a mess. I have hundreds of thank you cards that I should have written months ago. I am more out of shape than ever in my life. My time with the Lord is extremely inconsistent. I regularly get anxious thinking about actual or potential health issues for Lu or our family. The list goes on and on.

Then I think about all the people I know who have three, four, five plus kids and I’m embarrassed that I’m having such a hard time with two. I think about my friends who desperately want kids and can’t get pregnant. I remember my friends battling cancer wondering if this new treatment will work. I think about people who are going through far more difficult trials, health issues, etc. and feel guilty for not handling things well. I feel like I shouldn’t be having a hard time so I don’t want to share with others that I’m struggling.

I keep willing myself to not feel a certain way but that hasn’t helped. Then I put all my energy into changing my environment in order to change my feelings. I just need a cleaner house, a better schedule, to lose more weight, to sleep more, to read more, to spend more time with Bobby, etc. and then I will feel better. This leaves me feeling so much pressure and eventually like more of a failure because I can’t do all these things and even if I could it wouldn’t change how I feel. I felt hopeless.

I finally went to the Lord and confessed that I’m believing I’m failing in all arenas and attempting to fix it on my own. I begged for God to show me how to deal with these feelings of inadequacy. He told me to just come to Him, to be in His presence. I realized that when I try to change my environment to impact my feelings it’s impossible. The Lord reminded me of all these promises of being in His presence.

In His presence is wisdom (James 1:5), fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11), rest (Exodus 33:14), freedom (2 Cor. 3:17), hope (Psalm 62:5), healing (Psalm 147:3), steadfast love and mercy (Lamentations 3:22-23), forgiveness (Acts 13:38), peace (Philippians 4:6-7), and grace (Hebrews 4:16). Notice how all of these are the opposite of the feelings I’m battling of guilt, worry, fear, discontentment, etc.

The beauty of Christ’s presence changing us is that we can ask God to enter into whatever we are going through. His presence has no limits.

Instead of stressing over a new sleep schedule for Luelle or vowing to keep my house clean, I’ve been practicing asking God into my moments good and bad. When I’m up at 3am with Lu and exhausted, I ask God to meet me. When I see someone running and feel jealous and frustrated, I ask God to meet me. When I am watching Bobby carry Chale on his shoulders pointing out the frogs in a beautiful, quiet lake, I ask God to meet me. When I think back over my day and feel like I accomplished nothing, I ask God to meet me. When I’m holding Luelle and she’s looking at me peacefully smiling, I ask God to meet me. When I watch those I love suffer with their kids, health, marriage, etc. and I don’t know what to say or pray, I ask God to meet me.

When I ask God to meet me, to help me focus on being in His presence and not my current situation, that’s where I find peace. God’s presence is the only place I can deny my own feelings and receive truth and healing.

In thinking through all this, I realized that comparison not only steals our joy but prevents us from meeting with the Lord. If I think my struggle is easier or more difficult than someone else’s, all it does is make me prideful or falsely humble. It’s about our hearts not our circumstances. Our circumstances simply reveal what is going on in our hearts. I can struggle with pride in longing to be married or in trying to parent five kids. No matter our trial we all need to seek God’s presence.

In entering into God’s presence, He gives us strength and peace in our hardships and allows us to see the good He is working in them. When we ask a God to enter into our good moments, He reveals to us even deeper joy and peace. There’s no moment that won’t be made richer by His presence. I’m challenging myself when I’m experiencing moments of joy or pain to go to the Lord first, not take an Instagram pic to broadcast it or write a Facebook status to whine about it.

Mind you I’m writing this after Lu just screamed for 15 minutes refusing the bottle and as I’m thinking about Bobby’s pending shoulder surgeries. I’m fighting being frustrated and fearful. I certainly haven’t mastered this. Bobby and I have agreed to remind each other of this truth in the hard moments. Asking God to meet you isn’t a one time-fix all solution. It’s a choice we make when we are struggling whether to go to Him and hear truth, or resist Him and miss out on what He longs to give us in His presence.

The best part is that there’s no secret formula or qualifiers to being in God’s presence. He simply asks us to come.

“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13

“Do not despair, thinking that you cannot change yourself after so many years. Simply enter into the presence of Jesus as you are and ask him to give you a fearless heart where he can be with you. You cannot make yourself different. Jesus came to give you a new heart, a new spirit, a new mind, and a new body. Let him transform you by his love and so enable you to receive his affection in your whole being.” -Henri Nouwen

We’re reaching out to welcome You, God
Fill this place again with Your song
Flood our thoughts with wonder and awe
Give us a greater glimpse of a never-changing God

All we want and all we need
Is found in You, found in You
Jesus, every victory
Is found in You, found in You

Open wide, our hearts now to Yours
Every fear, bowed down to Your love
That we would see like never before
Give us a greater glimpse of a never-changing God

In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence we are made whole
In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence we are made whole
-Vertical Church Band




The Presence

We have been together as a family of four back in our apartment in Massachusetts for almost two weeks. It’s great to be home. We are thankful for Chale having his own space to feel comfortable and goofy again, for soft toilet paper, for space to cuddle, play, and relax as a family, and to be able to walk around the house in our underwear if we so choose.

It’s been hard being back too. We feel like we are starting over here in some ways. It’s overwhelming to have lost all our momentum. Bobby had been doing so well in his classes and had found a rhythm of studying and learning. Because all that halted so abruptly last October, it’s going to be difficult to start again in the fall. We had been so involved in the community here and we’ve missed so much after being away for so long. We struggle knowing how to enter back into life here when we have been dramatically changed. We have seen life and death. Our hearts have been broken and softened in ways I can’t explain. Some things that seemed so important to us before no longer matter. We see people differently. We pray, endure, parent, grieve, and rejoice differently.

How do we share what we’ve experienced the last 6 months when we don’t even understand it?

Luelle is almost 11 weeks old and doing great. In fact, she really couldn’t be doing better. I still struggle with how to handle this. Her initial diagnosis was overwhelming. I’m overjoyed that she has feeling and movement down to her toes and her bladder and brain are functionally completely normally so far. I’m trying to accept and be thankful for how well she is doing but at times feel so afraid of the many issues that can still occur because of her spina bifida or complications from the fetal surgery.

I don’t want to have that attitude. Why do I expect the Lord to explain everything to me or to work in accordance with my plan or expectations?

What should matter most is to know that He is present with me in the midst of my hardest days and my best. What, why, or how He works really is up to Him. If I believe He is good, just, and loving, then I can trust Him to work however He chooses. Allowing this truth to permeate into my thoughts and emotions each day is what is challenging.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were talking about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were thrown into a fiery furnace because they refused to bow down to the king’s idol.

“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18 ESV)

The fire was so hot that the king’s men who threw them into the fire were killed. But Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were not only unharmed but they didn’t even smell like smoke after the whole ordeal. Something else happened while they were in the furnace. In Daniel 3:25, while watching the men in the furnace, the king says, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.” Perhaps the real miracle is not the absence of the fire but the presence of Christ in the midst of it. I’d guess that’s what they remembered most from that experience. That Christ in His perfect power and love entered into the fire with them.

As I continue to let truth and faith impact my emotions and experiences, I’m reminded again of the passage of Jesus and the disciples on the boat, (Luke 8:22-25). When Jesus speaks to the disciples in the midst of the storm, He asked them “where is your faith?” That’s the big question. If their faith was in the boat then of course they should be panicking. But if their faith is in Jesus then it doesn’t matter the magnitude of the storm or the stability of the boat. What matters is what they believe about Jesus.

Our circumstances do affect us. We experience real pain and heartache. God grieves with us over suffering. But our circumstances don’t need to define us. What defines us is who we put our faith in.

Jesus presence changes things. It not only changes us in our trials but determines our outcome. If Christ is with us, whether we are rescued from the fire or consumed by the the storm we will not be overcome. As followers of Christ we may be rescued in this life or delivered into eternity with the Lord. This is our hope. That with Christ we are secure no matter what.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? …No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:35, 37-39 ESV)

We all have known or unknown trials ahead of us. My back has been bothering me lately. After having two major spine surgeries it’s really hard not to be anxious about the possibility of major issues. Bobby still needs one possibly two shoulder surgeries. Luelle has more important follow ups this year and for life will have to be aware of possible complications of her condition. But focusing on all these obstacles is like putting all our energy in preventing the fiery furnace or fortifying the boat. We need to put our energy into knowing and being with the One who is with us in the fire and the storms. The closer we are to Christ the more we are overwhelmed by His power and love and not the magnitude of the trials before us.

His love in time past forbids me to think
He’ll leave me at last, in trouble to sink;
Each sweet Ebenezer I have in review
Confirms his good pleasure to bring me quite through.
-John Newton

For I know that the Lord is great, and that our Lord is above all gods. Whatever the Lord pleases, he does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps. He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth, who makes lightnings for the rain and brings forth the wind from his storehouses. (Psalm 135:5-7 ESV)

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:20, 21 ESV)





Abundant Life

Luelle is a little over one month old. What a journey it’s been from her diagnosis, to fetal surgery, to her birth. I continue to experience such a range of emotions; joy, anger, hope, bitterness, fear, awe, thankfulness, etc.

Luelle is truly a miracle. Over and over again the doctors have said how impressed and surprised they are at how well she is doing. A few have questioned the extent of her spine defect but we have MRI’s showing the severity of it. She shouldn’t be doing this well but God has chosen otherwise.


Initially, when we started getting all this positive news about Luelle, I responded quite poorly. I convinced myself that the bad news was coming. Instead of being thankful I felt bitter. I thought about all we have been through with Lu and our other health issues and I was angry. I chose to be fearful of the future anticipating what bad things would happen. I felt guilty and heartbroken for all our friends at Ronald McDonald house whose children aren’t doing as well as Lu.

How am I to rejoice over our miracle when others are experiencing such heartache?

I don’t really know the answer to this but the Lord continues to speak into our lives. I have been reading and thinking through John 9.

“And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:2, 3 ESV)

Our trials are not about our sin or our goodness. They are about the work of God being displayed through our lives. The fact that Lu is doing so well has nothing to do with us. We did nothing right or wrong to earn this. God saw fit to bless her. The fact that we and others struggle has nothing to do with us. God sees fit to give us trials and refinement in order to reveal Himself through it. It may be easy to talk about this theoretically but it’s not easy to live. Life is hard and full of pain. Pain beyond what we can imagine. I never in my wildest dreams thought that our family would experience the amount of pain, surgeries, hospitalizations, procedures, and medical issues that we have. Sometimes it is really hard not to be bitter.

I also think of dear friends who are experiencing hardships beyond what they ever dreamed. What I strive to remember is that God’s heart is to show us His miracles. God often works miracles in the darkest of places. I guess that’s what makes something a miracle, it surpasses all human or natural reason. If it were simple, easy, or rational it wouldn’t be a miracle. Experiencing these miracles mean seasons of darkness but without the darkness we can’t experience His glorious light.

I believe that God wants to personally intervene in all of our lives. Perhaps we miss the miracles all around us because we need to change our definition of miracle. God’s miracles in our lives are unique and personal to each of us. It could be healing, perseverance, peace in the midst of pain, hope despite desperate circumstances, or joy in the face of hardships. All of these are miracles.

The enemy’s goal is to steal the joy we can have in these miracles. He wants us to turn to fear, doubt, and anxiousness instead of choosing in the moment to see whatever miracle God is showing us.

My heart is for God to reveal His power, His miracles in all our lives. My prayer is that my friends who are hurting, even in the midst of their worst pain, that God would show them miracles.

I want to share our miracles. Not to brag or take any credit but to honor the incredible work God is doing. I want to give others hope that they can trust God in the darkest times because His light always shines brighter.

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I [Jesus] came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).” (John 10:10 AMP)



Our Little Miracle

Luelle Eliora Ross was born on March 7th at 11:32am weighing 6 lbs 12oz and 19 inches long. My water broke early that morning so they performed a c section at 36 weeks and 6 days. The emotions of hearing her first cry and seeing her precious face were overwhelming. Never have I cried, prayed, or anticipated something or someone so much.


Bobby and I were able to hold her in the operating room for a short time before they brought her to the NICU. What a moment it was for us to look at her and know that God has entrusted us with this amazing gift, this little girl.


I was shocked at how much easier the c section was compared to the fetal surgery. It was surreal to be able to move and walk after four months of bed rest. Because I was so anxious to move again, I was up quickly and felt pretty much normal after a week. What a blessing. Lu and I have matching back scars (from the fetal surgery and my spinal fusion) and Bobby and I have matching abdomen scars (from the fetal surgery and his bowel resection). Our family is crazy.


That first week in the NICU was a whirlwind. Lu truly did wonderfully. She was on oxygen for a day or so and had a feeding tube for 3-4 days until she was breastfeeding well and able to keep her blood glucose and weight up on her own. She had MRI’s, ultrasounds, tons of labs, and was seen by many different specialty doctors to start assessing her baseline and needs.


She has feeling, strength, and movement down to her toes. Praise the Lord! Her left foot is turned in but is not locked meaning it’s not clubbed so hopefully with physical therapy we can correct that. Her ventricles are only slightly enlarged but have remained stable since her fetal surgery which is great. Her hindbrain herniation which had also mostly resolved post surgery has remained as such. Her back scar looks good and is healing well with no issues so far. There are many things that will have to be fully assessed as she gets older because as a newborn it’s hard to determine function etc.


We have seen firsthand that the result of the fetal surgery can vary tremendously. We are humbled and grateful that Lu has done so well. We know it has nothing to do with us but that for some reason the Lord has chosen this for us. We pray to be thankful each day for our daughter and to be good stewards of this precious blessing we have been given.

Spina bifida is a diagnosis that requires lifelong monitoring because there are various things that, though stable now, can change quickly requiring treatment. It’s going to be a constant prayer for us to be joyful and hopeful each day trusting the Lord. He is walking with us each step and will give us what we need no matter what happens.


After a week in the NICU, Lu was discharged. We shed many tears saying goodbye to our dear friends at Ronald McDonald. Our lives have been forever touched by these families.




We had a special weekend in Philly reuniting with Chale and spending time with our families before heading back up to Massachusetts. Though our goal this whole time was to be able to go home as a family of four, it was difficult to leave.


We are staying with a wonderful family from our church in Essex until we are able to move back into our apartment in May. Chale had a rough time initially after so much transition but seems to be getting more settled and is finally getting back to his easygoing, sassy self. Chale is truly smitten with his sister. He likes to just stare at her, loves kissing her, and cracks up when she makes any noises. Bobby and I are obviously exhausted and in newborn survival mode. Lu is gaining weight well and has started seeing all her docs in Boston.


We have crossed many major hurdles but still have quite a few ahead of us. Life has been completely chaotic for so long I’m not even sure how to describe my emotions and faith right now. There are moments that I’m really angry about the challenges we have endured and what’s ahead of us. There are moments that I look at Luelle’s sweet face and I’m filled with awe at what the Lord has done.

(Photo credit: Melissa Zaldivar)



Praising in the Chaos

I’m 36 weeks today. I’m quite surprised to have made it this far after undergoing fetal surgery. Time may have flown by for those watching but it has not gone very quickly for us. I have so many mixed emotions (and I’m sure crazy pregnancy hormones) that have been overwhelming lately.

When I think about what I would like to do in order to prepare our family, home, and life for another baby, our current situation is not exactly what I had in mind. We have been living out of bags for three months. Most of our belongings are packed in storage or our car. Chale has been back and forth from VA to PA and we have not been together as a family for much of this season. I haven’t been able to do anything physical since December 3. We have eaten terribly, and feel the effects, due to limited options of hospital food, take out, and poor self control. I have no stock of frozen crockpot meals and no cute girly nursery decor. It’s extremely frustrating to have hours to work on puzzles wishing I could use that time to do something productive to prepare for this new baby.

I am so excited to have a baby girl but feel so overwhelmed already. I had a breakdown yesterday thinking not only how unprepared I am for a newborn but a newborn with an unknown degree of issues. I feel defeated and we haven’t even started yet. There has been so much put into this pregnancy and surgery but the outcome isn’t that everything is now okay. Spina bifida varies extensively. Nothing is definitive. They will do baseline tests when she is born and then regularly throughout her life. Even if many of these tests are normal at birth, often these kids need shunts, surgeries, catheterization, castings, etc. as things progress. We can’t predict what her abilities and limitations will be and have to deal with issues as they arise.

Sometimes I’m able to not think about the future and to just focus on the present but ultimately that doesn’t take away the fear surrounding the unknown path ahead of us.

In the midst of my tears the Lord brought Gideon to mind. God came to him and said,“…The Lord is with you, you mighty man of [fearless] courage, (Judges 6:12 AMP). God told Gideon that he was going to save Israel from the Midianites. Gideon quickly reminded God that he was the least in his father’s house and was from the weakest clan. He was unqualified and unprepared. God’s response was “But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man,” (Judges 6:16 ESV). Further into the story, “The Lord said to Gideon, The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel boast about themselves against Me, saying, My own hand has delivered me,” (Judges 7:2 AMP). There were 32,000 Israelites with Gideon preparing to fight Midian. Gideon sent a large number of them home and then there were 10,000. God said there were still too many. God instructed Gideon to decrease the number of men again until there were only 300 Israelites. 300 Israelites versus several hundred thousand Midianites seems like a pretty terrible battle strategy. Why did Gideon go along with this seemingly ridiculous plan?

God called Gideon a mighty man of courage. God told Gideon that He would be with him. God wanted to give Midian into Israel’s hands in such a way that it was clearly God’s doing, not theirs. Gideon believed God despite appearing to be ill equipped and he moved forward boldly into a situation that seemed foolish. God was faithful. He delivered Midian into their hands.

God’s glory is what matters. Often the more desperate the situation the clearer God is seen in it. The less equipped and prepared I am for this next step, the more room I have in my hands, heart, and mind for God. I have to accept that things may be unpredictable, untimely, and unconventional. I have to trust that in the chaos God is able to do so much more than my simple strategies ever could.

So often I despise the unpredictable. I want to keep my 32,000 men, make my detailed, strategic battle plans, and go into the fight as prepared as possible. Why is this? I don’t want to confess my pride and relinquish my attempts at controlling my life. For Gideon, or me, to be okay with the crazy battle plan of only 300 men we must choose faith.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen,”(Hebrews 11:1 ESV). Having faith in God means that me are assured of His faithfulness and promises even when they are not seen. Sometimes I say that I have faith in God but I still want to see his detailed outline of the next steps. That’s not faith. Faith is believing that God is good, powerful, and present even when I can’t see it, when things don’t make sense, or when things seem be crumbling around me.

After the Lord revealed to Gideon His plan to overcome Midian, Gideon “…worshiped. And he returned to the camp of Israel and said, “Arise, for the Lord has given the host of Midian into your hand,” (Judges 7:15). Gideon was so confident that God would do what He promised, that Gideon stopped and worshipped Him BEFORE the battle was won. That is the kind of faith I want. To be utterly convinced of God’s character that I can praise Him before I see His actions.

Gideon also proclaimed to others what God would do before it happened. That’s how we share our faith. We speak and live in such a way with others that we boldly proclaim God’s character regardless of our circumstances.

When I prayed and asked the Lord how to have this kind of faith, His answer wasn’t try harder, read more, or get your act together. To have this kind of faith, God simply wants us to be with Him. When we know Him intimately, we experience His character and deep faith is the natural outcome. When we daily walk with God through joy and pain, we learn how to live in faith.

Instead of being fearful and anxious about how unprepared we are for this new baby and this unknown journey we are about to embark on, my prayer is to stand in awe in God’s presence confident of His faithfulness to us. My hope is not in my plans or strategies but in His character that has never failed us.


With you all as my witnesses, I praise God now for our baby girl. I praise God for her life, no matter her limitations. I praise God for providing for our needs in His timing and ways. I praise God for being constantly present with our family even when things are chaotic. I praise God for the incredible things He will do in our lives not because of anything we have done but because He is great and He has called us.




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