Chronic Pain and Faith

I struggle with chronic back and nerve pain. At it’s worst, it feels like a knife slicing down my leg and something crushing my lower spine.

I have experienced a lot of acute pain in my life. I broke my leg twice when I was in middle school because of a bone cyst causing weakness. I had a full leg cast from thigh to toe for months and then underwent surgery to remove the cyst. I had an appendectomy in the beginning of high school for a perforated appendix that very nearly ruptured. After I graduated from college I was essentially hockey checked while playing indoor soccer. I herniated two discs in my back and thus began my back issues. I tried all sorts of injections and nerve medications to help the searing nerve pain that continued to worsen. I had a discectomy in 2009 where they went in to clean up the herniated discs that were pressing on my nerves. I felt relief after this surgery for a short time. By July of 2010 my nerve pain had come back and was not helped by anything I tried. After more injections, medications, and various doctors, I had a 2 level spinal fusion. They went in to again clean up the disc matter that was pressing on my nerves and put in hardware to fuse my discs. This surgery was difficult and the recovery long and painful. But I did experience relief, fully from my pain. I had a few flare ups over the next few years but they resolved and I was pain free.

I had our son Chale in 2012 with no issues with my back. I continued running and felt great. In the fall of 2013 we found out we were pregnant again. At 18 weeks we were told that our daughter had spina bifida and I had fetal surgery in December of 2013. They opened my uterus to close the defect on her spine in hopes to prevent further damage to her nerves.  I was on strict bed rest for the next 4 months to prevent complications and preterm labor. I had a c section in March of 2014 and Luelle was born.

I now had gone through 2 surgeries on my spine and 2 surgeries on my abdomen. I had been through many unique medical challenges but all of them acute. I had experienced severe pain with each that was treated and resolved. In all my impressive health history with acute issues, I’ve had a problem arise, I’ve focused on the problem and had it treated, and then the problem for the most part has been dealt with and I’ve continued with my life.

But now, in 2017, I deal with chronic nerve pain due to scar tissue and inflammation from my previous surgeries. Chronic pain is a whole different animal. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about and some of you have no idea. Dealing with chronic pain means that my life continues as my pain persists. I don’t get to make it the focus like I did with my acute issues. I must carry on with the duties of life and the pain comes with me.

It’s difficult for me to talk about my chronic pain. It’s easier for people to rally around you during acute issues. There’s a beginning when the problem is identified, an in between where something is done to deal with the problem, and an end when the problem is resolved. People are compassionate when they hear about someone’s problem and want to understand and help. People want to hear about the progress and improvement. People celebrate with you when something is resolved. It’s challenging to talk about chronic pain because it’s not easy to explain, there’s often little progress, and by definition it doesn’t resolve, it just continues. When someone asks me about my pain I honestly feel like I’m disappointing them when I say it’s still there. People often don’t know how to respond. They want to help but there often isn’t anything they can do. Usually in conversations about my pain, I feel like I have to be positive because I don’t want to burden others. I either downplay my pain and say it’s not too bad or I feel like I have to end on a positive note saying I’m sure the pain will improve with time or some new medication etc. when I know it might just continue.

What I really need is to feel comfortable to be honest about my pain and where I’m at with it, even when it’s not pretty. To be able to say that the pain has been bad today and I’m discouraged and not feel like I have to sugarcoat it.

I must view and treat chronic pain differently than acute pain. I have good days and bad days. I have days where its tolerable and days its unbearable. I have days where it’s bad but I continue with the plans we have and days that it’s terrible and I cancel things to stay home. Just because I’m out with a smile on my face doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Sometimes I have to ignore it and deal with life. When I get comments like “you look like you’re doing well and your pain is better” it’s difficult. I know people mean well but it makes me feel like I have to defend my pain which I don’t want to do. You can’t look at someone and see their pain sometimes. It was hammered into me in nursing school that pain is whatever the patient says it is. It’s natural for us to compare ourselves to others. To hear about someone’s situation and relate to it in some way. This is a huge part of community and friendship. We connect with others around shared experiences. But it also can lead us to assuming we understand what someone is going through. When people try to relate to me instead of just hearing me, I feel like they aren’t trying to understand what I’m going through but are simply seeing what they assume I’m going through.

Truthfully, I don’t like being around myself when I’m struggling with my pain. I’m cranky, sad, angry, bitter, and emotional. Sometimes I can keep it on the back burner and enjoy what I’m doing and sometimes it’s front and center and can’t be ignored. It seems like it would be easier if my pain number was pasted on my forehead. If it said 8/10 people would maybe understand that I’m fighting pain though present with them. Or if it said 3/10 they’d know my pain isn’t terrible but it’s still there.

How does faith impact my pain? If I didn’t have faith there would be no hope to get me through the pain. But faith doesn’t take away my pain. There have been times that God has relieved my pain. I do believe He has the power to completely resolve it, which I pray He does, but my faith remains in Him no matter what my pain is.

My initial response to pain is to enter survival mode. My perspective dramatically shrinks to me and my pain, how much I hate, trying to fix it, and all the things I can’t do because of it. Survival mode is miserable. I don’t want to fixate on myself but when my pain is relentless it’s hard to think about anything else.

This is when I have a choice. I can wallow in my pain and keep my eyes on myself, or I can go to the Lord. The challenge with pursuing the Lord while dealing with chronic pain is that I must be willing to not only plead for the pain to end. I pray that prayer still, but if that’s the only prayer I pray the conversation ends when the pain continues. I have to ask the Lord other things and listen. I can ask what He wants me to know in my pain, what He wants me to do with my pain, and what He wants to do through my pain. These questions help me think beyond survival mode, beyond the pain.

By no means is this an easy process. If I only pray about the pain ending, then I am letting the pain consume my life. I can’t help being impacted by pain, but I don’t want to be controlled by pain. I believe God is all powerful which means not limited by my pain. I believe that He can move in my life and give me peace and joy and purpose despite my pain. He doesn’t want me to be stuck in survival mode.

To live with the peace, joy, and purpose God has for me, I must go to Him in my pain. If my pain is chronic, my pursuit of Him has to be constant. I have to fight for faith through every moment of pain. I have to resist returning to survival mode and just sulking. God is patient and good and doesn’t expect me to fight on my own, but I must relinquish the battle to Him. I confess my fears and limitations and ask Him for truth.

                God, I’m stuck. I’m filled with fear and dread about the future. I don’t believe I can walk with You in pain. I feel like a burden to my family. I don’t believe I can handle the things in my life because of my pain. I’m afraid to pray for relief because I fear it not coming. I don’t know how to trust You in the pain. Either You’re cruel or I don’t understand Your love and grace in this. I’m discouraged about how many times I’ve prayed about my pain. I don’t know how to be content in Your presence while I’m in pain. What hope do You have for me in my present agony? These are some of the things I’ve confessed to God while battling pain.

                These are a few of the things God has told me in my pain. Fight for faith. If you’re pain brings you closer to Me is it worth it? I am all powerful, I am with you, and I will provide for you. Set your mind on Me. I long to give you life and peace. Remember Me when your soul is heavy and weary. I will sustain you. You don’t have to bear it all or understand it all. Fight from victory not for victory. Wait on Me, I have much to show you. I am faithful in all My words and kind in all My works. My love for you is like a well with no bottom, constantly overflowing for you to receive from. Fix your gaze on Me instead of the pain. There is never a problem without a possibility in My kingdom. I want to show you heaven’s perspective of your pain. I will keep you in perfect peace when your mind remains on Me. Rest in Me. I hold your frame, every minute detail of your body, mind, and soul. Nothing is beyond Me. I am constant, even in your pain. Your pain doesn’t change Me, limit Me, or go against My work. Choose to trust who I am even when you don’t understand Me. Your faith is growing stronger because of the challenges you’ve faced. Your human weakness can’t keep you from fulfilling your role in My kingdom. Seek Me and I will clear the way for you to fulfill what I have for you. You are in pain, you aren’t stuck or hopeless. Let Me define your situation not your pain. My ways are always good and wise. You have nothing to fear when you abide in Me. I can take the evil intentions of man and the enemy and bring goodness and redemption. In My kingdom those who are weak become strong. Anything you lack can be found in Me. Resting in Me while you’re in pain is like the trees resting in a cold, barren winter. It’s bleak and bare but there’s beauty still. The winter storms will not last forever, spring will come.

If I only ever asked God to take away my pain, I would’ve never heard His beautiful, personal words for me. I want the Lord to take away my pain, but I want Him more than anything.