From Ugliness to Beauty

4 years ago today, Luelle and I had fetal surgery. Most of you have probably seen me post about this or things related to this often. Our life took a different course 4 years ago with Lu’s spina bifida diagnosis. Initially, it was a course we saw only hardships on. As the years have passed, I realize how much that course has impacted us in ways far beyond fetal surgery and spina bifida.

Honestly, I’m a different person now. Four years ago I thought I had many things in life, faith, and our future figured out. I felt confident in most things and understood God in a way that I was comfortable with.

We went through a season of intense pain, fear, lack of control, a future very unknown, much isolation because of being away from our family and community, and a time of sequestering myself because of feeling so overwhelmed. I experienced a season of PTSD after we returned home. I had near panic attacks and would break down weeping when something randomly triggered a memory. For awhile I didn’t know how to talk to people about what we had been through. It was so much more than fetal surgery. For awhile I felt bitter towards God for all we had experienced.

We saw children die from cancer, premature birth, and other complications. We began deep friendships with families we lived with at Ronald McDonald that are a category of community I have never known before. Our future was impacted and directed in many ways because of what we’d seen and who we’d become. I view the world differently now. I try to look at people and know they have stories and likely deep pains that aren’t seen because I’ve tasted that. I remember buying the first little piece of girl clothing and crying in the store because I didn’t know if she’d live to wear it. I probably just looked like a hormonal, pregnant women but there was so much going on underneath.

I am more confident and less at the same time. I care far less if I’m understood or what others think of me, yet I also realize there is so much I don’t know about people, the world, and God. I guess I’m less confident in myself and desperately confident in the Lord.

Going through something that pushed me to the limit in every way, revealed more about who I am. I’m probably more of a friendly introvert that has lived as an extrovert for years. I have a small plate, meaning my capacity for relationships, activities, commitments, and people is not vast. I like having fewer friends that I go deep with. I’m not a great multi-tasker. I like focusing on one thing, doing it full force, and completing it. I am the opposite of a procrastinator, I hate having things hanging. I am an outward processor, getting my thoughts out in words or in writing is really important for me.

Grief is something I’ve experienced more now because of having to let go of certain dreams, abilities, expectations, and plans. I’ve walked through grief with dear friends who’ve lost children, health, spouses etc. I feel honored and humbled to weep with others and simply be with them in their grief. I used to feel very uncomfortable with deeply hurting people. Now I actually feel more comfortable with hurting people and sometimes unsure of how to be with people in the mundane. This is quite frustrating at times. I don’t want to be insensitive, awkward, or a downer but often I feel this way. I think I’ve lived in heavy things enough that I have to relearn the light and normal.

Speaking the truth all the time is so important to me now and wasn’t as much before. Saying “no” when I don’t want to do something or when someone offers something that really isn’t helpful. Telling others and God the truth about what I’m feeling. If I feel angry and bitter, I tell that to God. I don’t try to say only what sounds nice. Telling myself the truth about myself, meaning that I try to be honest and acknowledge what’s true and dismiss things that aren’t true. I may feel like a bad mom but I’m not. I try to be attentive to when my heart and actions aren’t aligned. I might feel responsible for how someone reacts, but I’m responsible for how I react, I can’t control others reactions. Perhaps this is why I struggle with small talk now, because if you ask “how are you?” I don’t want to say “good” if I’m not but our culture doesn’t really know how to handle that.

Speaking the truth is important to me because I have realized the freedom in living this way. I don’t carry around this guilt anymore. When I was in survival mode the past few years, I didn’t have the capacity to not be honest with people. If I was too fragile to spend time with people I had to tell them I don’t want to be around people right now. If someone offered to help I started to actually tell them “thank you, can you bring me a meal, or help me clean my house, or watch my kids” instead of just saying “thanks I’m okay”. I try to parent with this mindset. I try to always tell my kids the truth and teach them to always tell the truth. It’s so much more than wanting honesty when you ask “did you break that”. I ask them why they respond certain ways. I tell them when I am wrong and react wrongly. I tell them when I’m in pain, angry, tired and when I simply don’t know. I try to tell them the truth about God and the world in a way they can understand but sometimes it frustrates them. I don’t dumb it down and fit it in a neat, little, inaccurate box. I spent a lot of time tearing down the comfortable, inaccurate box I had put around God. I know that I can’t fully grasp who God is but I know He is truth, He is freedom, He is life.

4 years ago I felt numb. I remember seeing only pain, struggle, and ugliness ahead. Today, I see how there’s beauty in the struggle, grace in the pain, and countless gifts in the brokenness. I’m grateful for the physical scars Lu and I have as reminders of this journey. May our scars always share a story of hope and light to others.

Love is a Gift

Marriage and relationships are hard. They carry potential for rich blessings and deep hurts. If love, surrender, and openness define our relationships, they will be sources of strength. Otherwise they will become burdens.

My heart has been heavy recently as I watch friends struggle in their marriages. Bobby and I have only been married 4 years, but we have packed in 7 surgeries, 2 babies, 4 moves, countless ER trips and hospital stays, and lots more chaos. We have experienced things that many couples won’t until many years into marriage or perhaps ever. We too struggle in our marriage but we have learned a few things, many the hard way, that I would like to share.

Bobby and I have much more to learn and many years ahead to grow as individuals and as a couple. We don’t have it all figured out. We fight a lot. We know how to push each other’s buttons and do so too often. We hurt each other unintentionally and at times intentionally. What I want to share is not some secret to a perfect marriage but something that has helped us learn to love, forgive, and trust in the midst of our faults and pain. My heart is to encourage, equip, and speak hope into others relationships.

Our first year of marriage was challenging, as it is for most. I felt this pressure to deal with and figure out all of our current and future issues (I’m not type A at all hah). Bobby is a great communicator and listener. We met almost weekly for a year with an incredible couple that mentored us. We acknowledged that we loved each other. Yet we still were so frustrated and defeated much of the time early on in our marriage.

For instance, Bobby would lovingly give me a card and flowers for our anniversary. Sweet, right? My inner turmoil would be as follows. “Well, that’s nice but I really want him to be creative and do something unique to show that he cares. If I tell him thank you and that I loved it he will never try to do something more than that.” I proceed to give him a weak, insincere thank you and he would obviously recognize something is wrong. I would either deny it and continue being conflicted and him confused, or I would tell him and he would be frustrated and defeated and I would feel terrible.

This sounds kind of ridiculous, and is in fact, but this type of communication continued to happen again and again. Eventually I felt I couldn’t be honest and that we would never understand each other. Bobby felt like no matter how hard he tried he would end up failing. These feelings and attitudes then affected bigger issues. For instance, when we led a bible study together that first year, I felt that instead of encouraging Bobby in the many areas he led well, I needed to criticize the few areas that I thought he could do differently. He often responded poorly out of frustration that I focused primarily on the negative and I would get hurt.

We continued through so much of that first year defending our own needs and blaming each other when they were not being met. This left us both frustrated, insecure, and at times distant. When my back and nerve pain became unbearable and I needed a second spine surgery, Bobby pulled away because the stress and his fears about the future were overwhelming. He recognized that if something didn’t change, he would continue pulling away. We both went to counseling for a period of time. Because of my insecurities I hadn’t acknowledged his strength as a husband and leader nor his patience and love in pursing me. Often I wasn’t willing to forgive sincerely when he did let me down because I felt that meant he would never change.

Our second anniversary we had a fun weekend away together and on the way back got into a terrible fight. I don’t remember what the fight was even about but what resulted was one of the most influential conversations of our marriage.

Bobby pointed out that we both had become so consumed with ensuring that our own needs were being met. Our focus was ourselves not each other. That day we committed to change. We decided that we were no longer going to focus on our own needs but each other’s. This may sound simple but it radically changed our marriage.

This was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. We both chose to lay aside our needs and make the other person’s our focus. Letting go of our needs meant they may not get met. We had to trust each other and be willing to forgive when we failed.

My focus was no longer on watching my back but his.
I stopped asking myself do I feel loved and started asking does he.

Our marriage slowly became so much more fun and freeing. We (mostly me) started to let go of my expectations. Instead of expecting Bobby to love me exactly how I thought he should, I just let him love me.

We have to revisit this again and again. For instance, when Bobby started seminary and had long days on campus, I began assuming he was not using his time wisely. I started to get bitter that I was stuck at home with the kids and he was doing whatever he wanted. Bobby began feeling deflated as he was trying his hardest to balance his intense workload and family life well and I was making him feel as if he were failing. After multiple fights, I realized that it is much more encouraging and motivating to tell Bobby I trust him with his time then to nag him and try to micromanage. Bobby didn’t need added pressure from me, he needed my support.

None of us are responsible for perfectly meeting each other’s needs. We will fail. God’s love alone is going to fulfill us and perfectly meet our needs. Because of this, Bobby and I don’t need to demand love from each other but can freely give it. We will continue to let each other down in big and small ways. We can deeply love, but we can’t perfectly love.

Marriage is about commitment not perfection. We have to accept that we will fail but are committed to forgiving and growing together.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Jesus’ heart for His people. He doesn’t want us to follow all the rules and learn how to perfectly live. He doesn’t want us to love Him with strings attached. Jesus doesn’t love to get, He loves in order to give.

My advice to myself and others is this.

Surrender.
Surrender to God and acknowledge that His love is perfect and all consuming. You can trust Him fully because He alone will fully love you no matter what.
Surrender to your spouse and choose to seek their needs and forsake your own. Trust that they will love you instead of trying to manipulate them into loving you.

Love.
Love God above all else. Anything or anyone you love more then Him will become a vice that rules you.
Love your spouse not to gain something for yourself. Love is a gift that should be given selflessly not demanded selfishly.

Be open.
Be open to God and your spouse about your fears and struggles.
Be open to those around you. Keeping our struggles hidden gives them power over us. We feel stuck and alone when we isolate ourselves. Marriage is a battle that if not fought for will be lost. We need to acknowledge within community that relationships are hard. Instead of hiding or putting up a facade, we need to be real. We need to pray, talk, and encourage each other instead of judging, gossiping, and making assumptions.

I have seen marriages fail that at one point seemed so strong and loving. I have seen marriages that were hanging on by a thread flourish and cold hearts softened when couples are willing to humble themselves before God and each other.

Bobby and I commit to not be that couple that pretends to have it all together. We want to be real with each other and those around us. We want to fight for our relationship and pray that you will join us.

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
-Stuart Townend

Photo credit: http://www.strawberrykissedphotography.com

Our story… REALLY long first post, I promise my next will be shorter :)

Bobby and I are quitting our jobs, renting the house we just bought, leaving our families, having our first baby in August, and moving to Boston in June 2012 to go to seminary to pursue ministry…

How did we get here? Well, it’s a long, crazy, pretty cool story… Bobby and I were married in May 2010 and let’s just say our honeymoon phase ended almost immediately. After two very difficult spine surgeries for me due to crippling nerve and back pain, multiple hospital trips for Bobby with diverticulitis, an extensive colon resection surgery for him, and a scary episode of bilateral pulmonary embolisms, we have had our share of health struggles. We both have had a heart for people and always pursued relationships. As the Lord has worked in our lives through our pain and struggles, He has continued to bring people across our paths that have been going through their own trials. Bobby and I started leading a small group of young adults through our church, Reston Bible, and the Lord filled it with other young people that were struggling with their own challenging health issues. We were so blessed to have friends to relate to and walk with as we all learned to trust and follow the Lord through pain and trials. Bobby and I continued to pray and seek the Lord in how to help the people in our group and others in our life who were really struggling. 

One morning, Bobby was praying and asking the Lord what He had in store for us. The Lord reminded him of the Sword of the Spirit that lives in us as believers and Bobby prayed and asked the Lord what he should do with that sword. Bobby felt the Lord clearly say ‘set captives free.’ I had been out of town and when I got back, Bobby told me he had a really neat prayer time but we weren’t able to talk about it right away. Two nights later, we got news that one of Bobby’s good friends just had a baby that was born with some severe issues. We were broken for them, another family that the Lord allowed to cross our path that was really suffering. Bobby went out to the living room to text his friend and I was in the bedroom crying and praying for this family. I asked the Lord what He wanted us to do with all these hurting people that were in our life. I felt so clearly the Lord say, ‘set captives free’. I had no idea what that meant but I knew that is what the Lord said. Bobby and I went to bed but the next morning, the very first thing that came to my mind was what the Lord had told me the previous night. I told Bobby that I had been praying and thought it was weird but so clearly felt the Lord tell me to set captives free. Bobby looked stunned when I told him. He right away told me about his time with the Lord a few days prior when God told him the exact same thing. He showed me the exact words he wrote in a journal entry. We were amazed, humbled, and excited to continue to pray and ask the Lord what this meant. 

Over the next few months we waited and prayed as the Lord started to unfold more of this calling. God put a few passages from Scripture on my heart about captives. One of them talked about two types of captives, those who are in darkness and those who are bound. As I listened to the Lord and read more, the Lord impressed upon me that the passage was talking about how people who do not know Jesus are captive in darkness and completely lost. But also that people who do know Jesus can be bound in captivity to fear, sin, pain etc. It really started to click with us because Bobby and I both, at certain points in our lives, have been bound as captives. Bobby struggled with fear and worry during my horrible nerve pain and spine surgeries and I had been captive for years to a legalistic, works based faith. I thought that I had to perform to please the Lord and earn His grace and I felt judged and judged others in return. As we learned to hear from the Lord, accept His grace and forgiveness and walk in freedom, we were set free. As everything unfolded, we looked around at the suffering people in our lives and realized that so many of them were captive just like Bobby and I were. We now understood that the Lord was calling us to set captives free by the power of God’s word and His Spirit. We still didn’t know exactly what this meant but we continued to wait, pray and ask the Lord to guide our steps. 

In July of 2011 Bobby and I went on a trip to the Middle East. It was an incredible trip where the Lord humbled and helped us to see how He alone can set people free. We saw so many hurting people and were overwhelmed and yet even more passionate about understanding our role in setting captives free. We returned from the trip feeling like the Lord was preparing us for something big but we really had no idea what it was. The day after we returned from the Middle East, Bobby ended up in the hospital with a severe diverticulitis flare up. Coming off such an incredible trip, we were tempted to be discouraged. We had to choose whether or not we believed the Lord to be trustworthy, faithful and at work in our life, or to believe that our circumstances were beyond Him. We could have been resentful and doubt God’s plan in allowing Bobby to get so sick and we were tempted to do so. But we firmly believed He was in control and knew that if we were going to trust Him we had to be all in. We chose to trust, wait, and hope in whatever He had for us, even in the midst of pain. 

A few months later on October 23rd I had a miscarriage. We were broken over losing our first little baby. It was really hard. We again had to choose whether to give up trusting the Lord or continue steadfastly in faith seeking Him. We humbly waited on the Lord knowing He would guide us. We knew that somehow this trial, like all the others we had been through, had purpose in God’s perfect plan for us. In the midst of the miscarriage, we were approached by missionary friends of ours to join their team in the Middle East. A year ago we probably would have said no immediately. Now as we were learning to really listen and trust the Lord, we decided to pray about it. As we prayed and talked with wise counsel, we felt like the Lord wasn’t calling us to the Middle East but that He did want us to pursue ministry. Bobby, since high school, felt called to pursue ministry. In 2004 after college, all of his ministry plans fell through. As the Lord worked in his heart, he has learned to trust Him in spite of everything that happened. Bobby, eventually, was able to hold onto the calling of ministry the Lord had given him but let the Lord direct the timing and details. After being approached to go to the Middle East, Bobby now felt impressed by God to pursue his original calling into ministry. We continued to feel the Lord preparing us for something, but we had no idea what it was. 

In November of 2011, I went on a prayer weekend with some close friends. I wanted to spend time seeking the Lord in what He wanted us to do with our future and was expecting God to give me clear direction. Instead, He challenged my heart and convicted me of doubting that He would speak to Bobby in regards to our future. I felt that I needed to figure it all out and convince Bobby of what God told me. The Lord revealed to me that I ultimately was not trusting Him to speak to Bobby and that I was not trusting Bobby to seek the Lord and lead us. I felt the Lord challenging me to step out in faith and tell Bobby that I loved him and trusted him to seek the Lord and that I am ready to follow him wherever the Lord calls us. I went home and shared this with Bobby and he shared with me what the Lord had put on his heart that weekend. Bobby felt the Lord calling us to go to seminary. I almost laughed when I realized how perfect the Lord’s timing was. The Lord had challenged me to trust and follow Bobby, and now Bobby was bringing seminary into the picture. If the Lord had not prepared my heart before this, I probably would have been overwhelmed and fearful. But Bobby and I both sensed that this was the step God wanted us to move towards and we were very excited. 

As we continued to pray about our calling to set captives free, the Lord put on Bobby’s heart that we are to do this by the Sword of the Spirit, meaning the Holy Spirit living in us and the Word of God. The more we prayed, the more it made sense to go to seminary to become as equipped as possible to wield this Sword. As we go through seminary, we are confident that the Lord will specify exactly what He wants us to do with this calling and the training we receive. Whether that means pastoring a church, starting a ministry at a church or something completely different, we are open and willing to follow the Lord wherever He leads. 

The next week, I spent time with the Lord literally making a list of all of the things that had to happen if He wanted us to go to seminary. I remember praying, ‘”Lord, this seems almost impossible but if you want us to go I know you can do all these things and more.” We found out we were pregnant again right before Christmas 2011! After the miscarriage in October, so many emotions filled our hearts: excitement, fear, worry, hope, etc. After praying, I felt such a peace that no matter what happens we can hope in the Lord and trust Him each day. Every day I continue to be pregnant, we praise the Lord and continue trusting and relying on Him. As we continued to pursue seminary, our list of things that needed to happen grew. Bobby needed to get accepted, we needed to be able to pay for living expenses and tuition, we needed to find renters for our home, we needed to find a place to live at seminary, we needed to have good health insurance, we needed to find an OB-GYN who would take me more than half way through my pregnancy, we wanted to have the blessing and support of our home church and we needed to coordinate moving to wherever the Lord called us. At times, this list seemed overwhelming and impossible but I think that’s exactly what the Lord wanted because it kept us humbly on our knees before Him. 

During this process, the Lord has encouraged Bobby and I through the story of Joshua and Jericho. In Joshua 6 the first verse says that the city was securely barred, no one came in or out. Then in verse two the Lord says to Joshua, “See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands…” You can imagine that Joshua thought ‘You said you have already given this city to us but it really doesn’t look that way.’ Joshua and the Israelites believed the Lord’s promise to give them the city and they were obedient to do what God told them to do. They circled the city over and over blowing their war horns signaling their imminent attack. They were walking forward in faith before a way into the city was available. Essentially they were praising the Lord before anything had happened. God was faithful to His promise. The walls came crashing down and they took over the city. God spoke to us through this story. We feel that God has called us to seminary. Though it seemed crazy, we knew we needed to praise Him before anything happened and trust that He would be faithful to get us there despite how many obstacles were in front of us. So that is what we have tried to do and I will be honest that some days have been easier than others. We feel so strongly that if this truly is the Lord’s calling on our life then He will provide everything necessary to carry it out. We do not need to force things, persuade people, or try to figure it out ourselves, although it is tempting at times. Looking back, I am so thankful because we can say that almost all of those seemingly impossible things on our list have happened. Not by our doing but because God is faithful and we waited and trusted in Him to work in our lives in His timing and His way. 

Bobby got accepted to Gordon Conwell seminary in Hamilton, Massachusetts. We met with the elders at RBC to share our vision and they gave us their support and blessing. Bobby got accepted into a scholarship where Gordon will pay half of his tuition if we are able to raise support for the rest. We found an incredible family who just so happens to be graduating from Gordon Conwell and is moving back to the area that needs a place to live exactly when we need to move out. They are renting our house which is a huge blessing for us and them. We quickly found a highly recommended OB-GYN who is happy to take me as a patient despite the fact that I will be fairly far along in the pregnancy. We have options for good health insurance while at seminary. We prayed specifically for a two bedroom, first floor apartment (because of my back and the baby) and the Lord so graciously answered that exactly. We are moving to Boston on June 16th and Bobby will start taking classes on June 18th. 

It brings us so much joy to share our story with others because every step has been truly orchestrated by God. We love to share of His faithfulness in our lives. There are still lots of details to be worked out and I’m sure many future challenges ahead. We are completely confident that if we continue to follow Him in faith, no matter what our circumstances look like, He is trustworthy and will give us whatever we need to get through this journey with peace, joy and hope in Him. 

“THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion–to give them an ornament of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit–that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” – Isaiah 61:1-3